Heart for sale

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Who wants to buy my heart? Im having it for sale. Though it’s only second hand, still it functions well. Because once, I sold it whole but he returned it broken. Now I had it all repaired and now I’m back in the business. Who wants to buy my heart? Satisfaction guaranteed. It has free service charge an a lifetime warranty. So, if you’re asking for the price? Well, you’re in bargain. It only cost your love.

Remarkable

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It is hard to picture how things will be once you are gone, but I know in my heart that everything will turn out alright and I will see some good come from this situations. I know you told me to acknowledge the bad things, but I honestly do not have any to voice. I truly believe that you gave me everything you had each time we saw each other twice a week. You were just real and straight up with me. You didn’t try to pretend like you had life figured out, but rather provided me with not only a listening ear, but also accountability. So many times, you gave me another way of looking at the situations in my life without making me feel like I was stupid for not thinking about them that way myself. Although it was a place to escape from pressures of life, it was also a place where I could be myself, whatever that was at that moment, a place where I could completely let my guard down and be more vulnerable than ever before. To be honest, it was terrifying when you asked me for that much at first, but now I have experienced why you asked that of me. Before meeting you, I was closed off emotionally to the rest of the world. I thought I knew how to have a healthy relationship, but you showed me that I only knew how to do half of what it takes. I knew how to listen, give, and serve, but not share. I was holding myself from back from growing completely intimate with people because they will let me in, but I would not let them in back. In other words, I have to thank you for guiding me deeper into the relationship that I thought was already intimate. It is interesting how I not take criticism as well as I would like to, but for some reason I took yours and tried it out. I think it is because I trusted you with all that I am and trusted that you would lead me down to the right path. I just want you to know how thankful I am that you were put in my life. This is not the end of our relationship, but a major change in the relationship which would usually be quite frightening to me. However, this time I know that it will be different than the other times. For once, we have been taking about it for awhile now and I have time to prepare in some sense. Also, you have been open about what future of the relationship will be, saying what you want and letting me say what I want. This time, you are not going to walk away and leave me feeling that I am somehow responsible for your departure. You are the first person in my life that I have felt completely comfortable around and not felt judged in any way. I could tell you anything and I know you would respond appropriately. I never felt compelled to put an act on around you because of that trust. You are the first person I truly believed I cared about me for who I really am, my strengths and weaknesses. I have never experienced feeling wholly understood by someone until now. I knew that I could say anything and you would understand or make an effort to try and understand as best as you could. You made me believe in myself, my abilities, and my personal growth. I could not see those things until you continually reinforced them with your gifts to me. I know in the beginning I was too quick to play them off and not accept them. Now that I have begun accepting them by letting your words really sink in, I have come to so many revelations about my life. There are several things that I will never forget about our time together. First, I will not forget the times we stayed way past the hour until late hours of the night. Second, I will not forget how you fought for me. That revealed to me how much you cared about me and that I mattered to you. Third, I will never forget the time that I have never felt so close to someone before. This was the moment when you gave me the most penetrating stare I have ever experienced. I knew that it was the gaze of love and not something to be feared. That was the moment that I internalized the full extent of how much you care about me. You just kept repeating that you do care and that I am just not another person to you. Fourth, I will never forget the many times that I cried in front of you. There was no one else that had seen me cry more than once if at all besides my mom and sister. I learned not to be embarrassed by expressing my emotions that are justified. I held myself to inhuman standards that only led to disappointment and shame. It is so freeing to comfortable crying in front of other people and not has to be so tough all the time. I have prayed many times for God to comfort my mind, heart, and soul. I have come to realize that He has been doing that all this time through you. I know you are human and not perfect, but you have showed me a good picture of what God’s love is. I have learned so much from you and know what I should expect from my other relationships. Selfishly, I WISH THAT YOU WILL STAY. I know that you will be the best anyone could ever get the chance to have and I to be honest I am jealous of whoever they are because I know you will tough their life like you have mine. This year would have been drastically different if it were not for you, so thank you.

You make me…

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You make me look forward to something every day. You make me look forward to a future with you. You make me look forward to the next time I see your face. You make me look forward to all the fun we are going to have growing old together. Age has never favored us, but we’ve always been able to look past it. You are the best half of me. I know everything about you, and you know everything about me. We have a unique friendship and relationship that will last a lifetime. And I want to spend this lifetime with you. In the real letters I write to you I always want to say “ILOVEYOU forever and always” at the end but I know you came to a conclusion that you don’t want a relationship at this point in your life, but life’s too short to cease a love like ours. Please tell me you love me too. Iloveyou doesn’t even seem good enough, and I am not totally sure what’s the meaning of love, but I do know I can’t live without you and, I need you in my life till the end. You’re my everything and nothing really matters but the love you bring. Please be with me forever.

Secret Night

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Holding my phone tight staring at the stars so bright; You’ll tell silly jokes to me and I’ll laugh to them wholeheartedly; Listening to your voice till 3 AM, and the last thing you’ll say is my name. You’ll whisper Iloveyou, while blushing, I replied Iloveyoutoo. These stolen moments feels so right, let’s just enjoy the rest of our secret night.

Imagining our secret night, I slowly drowned in grief and misery.

Here I am…

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Here I am unable to sleep thinking about you. Here I am relieving in my head what you’ve told me. Here I am crying. Here I am missing you so much that I couldn’t eat. Here I am thinking about you so often that I zoned out and stare into space even when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Here I am unable to shake the night off and dying slowly. Here I am wishing, wishing to be yours again.

Dear JD…

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How are my love? Are you doing well? I know it has been so long since I’ve last seen you, but as long as you’re healthy living your life to the fullest then it’s good to hear. I wish I know how to tell you-to tell you that I wish you knew how much Iloveyou, I wish I could tell you what I feel inside, I wish I could hold you now and fall asleep in your arms, I wish you could fly to me and me to you, I wish this wouldn’t hurt so much. Do you still remember what happened two years ago? I was shaded by the thought of loving you, It’s a gigantic flashback to reminisce the memories happened when I fell in love with you. It is a beautiful tragedy I always wanted to write all over again. You’ve changed so much in a good way. We both have. It was meant to be this way, and no other. It hurts  to see you upset at yourself for the things that happened in the past, and I want you to know that I forgive you. I’ve always forgiven you. I’ve always known that you never meant to hurt me, that you cared about me. Iloveyou I really do. I’m sorry if I cling to much in the past. I’m sorry if I still can’t get over you. I hope one day, in the future, we’ll be back into each other’s arms. Iloveyousomuch, and I pray to God that you still somehow do.

I wish I could know

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I can’t stand it. I look at you everyday and think the same thing, why can’t I be with you? I wish, I was brave enough to tell you how I feel. Do you feel the same way towards me? I wish I knew. It kills me that I have to wake up everyday and wonder the same thing. I think about you everyday. Why is love so confusing? I wish I could know.

Sometimes…

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I wonder whether we could have been. If circumstances had been different so long ago, could there have been something? Nah, who I am kidding? You would have never fallen for a girl like me. Strange how things work out. It’s foolish cliche, I know. Now, we’re no longer together due to my honesty. It’s okay though. Some situations can only go in one of two directions and they have to be in motion, I guess. It’s like an excited state of energy in electron physics; our nova has occurred. My feelings will exist as a dim white dwarf for a while until darkness. 

Interminable and excruciating

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I’m waiting for your memory to dim but I am starting to think I actually have a  brain disorder. How else could I possibly explain why you’re still in my head? The memories just float through minute after minute through everything I’m doing. You are ruining my life and you’re not even in it. I hate you. I miss the feeling of heaven, our absolute ease with each other. I loved feeling love. I loved loving. But you weren’t real I loved a ghost, an actor, a facade. You’re dangerous. I couldn’t have you in my life even if you wanted to be here. Even if I hadn’t flung so much poison your way in an effort to make sure you didn’t come near me again. If there is a way , I could erase the fact I ever even knew you I would. If there was a way to forget the feelings and adventures, I would. I do not believe that it is better to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all. I think that’s bullshit. If I never felt it, I’d never know what I was missing, I? And then my mind would be free to get on with my research, free to entertain the thought that another man could just as easily be the one. I don’t even believe in the one anymore. Knowing you, being with you, breaking with you has pretty much forced me to resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life. How can I even meet a man who has the same effect on me? I’ve dated, my heart is dead. If I am not going to stop hurting and rejecting other men- I just have to stay away from them. I don’t want to force myself to love someone even if they all tick all the boxes. They and I deserve better than that. I’m trying so hard to accept that as my truth and be okay with it, after all I’m running out of time, but sometimes it really gets me down. I will never ever be loved by someone I love. There I said it- and that’s why I can’t forget you because that’s the only time I’ve ever felt that is was even possible. I have no hope left. What a fucking interminable existence the rest of the life is going to be.