I hate myself. I have a legacy of self-loathing, fear, instability, depression, and anxiety. My world was viewed into a fearful place full of hatred and anger. Everyday, it is hard to get myself out of bed, to begin my day. I fear myself, I fear my “inevitable” failure, I fear a world that holds no joy, no answer, no safety or unconditional love. I’ve created and fostered this insidious inner critic inside my head that tells me I am worthless and a failure, Everyday I try to live my life for myself without fucked up dysfunctional enmeshment.That inner voice slams into my thoughts. It fills me with a dread that is overwhelming. It overwhelms my thoughts, my feelings, my body, and my very self. I didn’t live in a magical wonderland with fantastic life. I felt like I was on Mars like I took off a pair of glasses I’d been forced to wear my own life. The sunlight was blinding, and filled me with grief and anger. I wrote my suicide note. I thought about how I was going to end my life. It’s just wasn’t worth it. I was mocked, teased. I had no reason to live. I was a failure. I was worthless. My very being irritated me to the point of killing myself. I thought I’d only suffered emotional neglect. Then I learned the difference between neglect and abuse. Then my memories started to surface, the ones that were too painful for me to keep in my consciousness. Because I was a lady, and I had to survive. I couldn’t actually grief over it. I hate my life. I cannot go on. Years of screaming fights. Years of giving me bullshits. Years of living in isolation. I was done with it but, I didn’t want to be done, because I knew the consequences.so fucking well. But my body and my emotional state betrayed me. I haven’t left. I cling to the hope; maybe you will understand how upset I am in my life. I tell you I am too upset. I am washed up charlatan, a waste of space. Silence, The awful , terrifying silence. I’m crying. Silently, of course. I’m still too terrified to really cry, just tears rolling down my cheeks, despite my best efforts to stop. I’m petrified where I stand. There is nothing but ice-cold fear filling my vision, my veins, my lungs. It is a prison. All I can do is shut down so this monster in front of me will retreat and I can breathe again, alone and isolated. Imagine a lifetime with memories of dark, Isolating suffocating as this one. Imagine. I’m living my life by myself. I’m mastering life by my inner critic and nurturing my inner self that is still so starved for affection. I’m suffering tough the white-hot, overwhelming fear that grips me everyday. That fear that comes from being abandoned for hours, days. From being screamed at, hit, ignored, and forced to parent you at my own expense. I’m so fucking mad at myself. Not for what happen. But because I cannot live my life without lying to myself over and over again. I cannot accept me if I refused to fill my own needs.
My feelings
Don't decide to get hurt, just go along with all of this knowing there's nothing I can do but keep going. I am pushed and pulled by forces and I know that where I am is a place I will look back on, with nostalgia, with a very intense memory.
My feelings 